I’m sitting here pumping my last session before heading to the guest bed in the nursery. And just like the many nights before this one, I sit here in silence, berating myself for how I was to my two older boys.
You see, to be honest, I spend (what feels like) most of my day yelling at them.
Stop hitting each other.
Please share your toys.
Ugh, don’t eat that!
Get off of there before you fall!
Be quiet, you’re going to wake the baby up!
Sure there are snippets of laughter. And a pat on the back for trekking out with all three in tow and providing them some sort of fun activity for the day. Here’s a superstar mom sticker for surviving another day, JY! Because seriously, these days are literally about survival.
But when I’m sitting here alone after the kids are all in bed for the night, the only voice I hear in my head is the negative one.
I play it over and over again, the memories from our day. I hear it over and over again, the loudness of my voice. I feel it over and over again, the impatient aggravation that I outwardly conveyed to my little loves.
While I try to tell myself to regroup and refresh, sometimes it’s just not possible. Sure tomorrow is a new day, but right now, it’s just more of the same. It’s like the never ending Groundhog’s Day for moms. Starting the day off with a cheerful smile ready to be Pinterest Mom and ending the evening hours with a furious countdown to bath/bedtime dreaming of that (half) glass of wine. Rinse, Repeat, Repeat x 7.
Sure, I tell myself tomorrow will be better. And that each day it will get easier. But, do I believe it? No, it’s just not the truth right now.
No, right now, it’s not better. And it’s not easier.
And that is just me living my imperfectly perfect mom life.
I’m not going to tell you that I’m giving myself grace. I can’t tell you that I’ll do better tomorrow because I probably won’t.
But I will tell you it’s hard and I’m sure it’s normal. I will tell you I love having this space to write it out and find cathartic release. I can tell you I know I’m not alone.
And I find comfort and solace in the comrarderie of moms before me, with me and after me; going through exactly this seemingly never ending hard phase of motherhood.
Before it gets easier, these are our days.