It’s been almost 3.5 years since my heart learned to live outside of my body. And I think it will take ten times longer than that to figure out why or which moments take my breath away.
It’s never a movie-like moment. But it’s the every day moments. It’s the tears of excitement as I watch them take their first steps. It’s the unending laughter as we play tickle monster. It’s the ache in my heart as I wipe their forehead as they fight the fever of a bad cold. And in those moments with my two littles, I feel more emotion than I ever have before their existence in this big, big world.
Parenthood has ignited every fiber of my being with the most candid and raw feelings.
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When I was growing up, my dad would say that he’d always forgive me for anything I did, except for getting myself hurt or injured. I never knew what he meant until I became a mama. When my oldest was 7 months old and had his first collision with his bookshelf, I was overwhelmed with the fury of a thousand suns as I wiped away his bleeding gums. While I was proud of myself for not racing over to the ER, I felt an overwhelming need to take away his pain. And in that split second of impossibility, my dad’s message clicked. Obviously, my dad wasn’t serious about his forgiveness, but the anguish you feel as a parent when you see your child hurt most certainly is indescribable and at most times, unbearable.
Yesterday, D and I took C in for a biopsy for a few bumps on his back that wasn’t definitively diagnosed by a physical exam. In preparation, he wasn’t allowed to nurse or eat at all and I was so afraid that he would be crying (dying) of hunger. Thankfully, he was a champ through it all and actually quite happy throughout our 40 minute drive and in the prep room. We weren’t able to stay with him during the procedure because he was sedated and hooked to an IV in the operating room. Albeit a minor, routine procedure, being at the hospital and knowing your (not so) little 9.5 month old was going through so much was completely excruciating as a mama bear.
He was gone for less than an hour, but when they opened up the doors to the recovery room, I could hear the hoarseness in his soft cries, before I even saw his tiny, tear soaked face. While I was relieved that everything went smoothly, I don’t know that I can ever get over the guilt of putting him through the ordeal.
I don’t think it ever goes away. The feeling of helplessness when your children are hurt or sick. It’s something that stays with you as a parent for a lifetime. The hope that they never get hurt, the fear when they inevitably do.
The waves of emotion in parenthood are most definitely a roller coaster; a ride that I will wait in line for time and time again. Though you can’t take away their pain, you are their biggest comfort. And that I guess is just another silver lining to this ride called parenthood.
And these two right here, they’re my two hearts. Forever walking outside of my body, yet making me feel more alive with emotion than when I carried my heart inside me.
I am so sorry that that happened! I hope that your little one is alright! I will be going through something similar (but minor) with my son this month. It still freaks me out.
Thank you! I think it was much harder on me than him!
My goodness – how true this is. My son had surgery at 3 years old, and it was the most helpless feeling. Thank you for putting that raw emotion into words. I love your dad's advice because I get it so well! Hugs and Happy Mother's Day!
Awww! Thanks so much for the support! Hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day love! xo
I'm so sorry this happened-but you are so true and right with this post. Its something you don't fully realize until its happening
Thank you! We find out the results on Thursday ???? Even the small things seem so BIG when we’re going through it!
These are the moments when we realize and are reminded of how much little control we have over certain things to protect our children. I am sorry you've had to go through this but we know that we can come out stronger on the other side!
Yes! It definitely was a reminder to let go and let God.
Oh my goodness! I couldn't even imagine what you went through, but your son is a tough cookie & the absolute cutest!! I am still dying over that picture of him on the hospital bed! Loved this post! Thanks for sharing your heart! xx
You are the sweetest, thank you friend!
This is so sweet, and I know the feeling. My daughter is 16 months and into everything, we've only had one bad ruble before. It also resulted in a bloody lip/mouth and terrified me!! Luckily mouth wounds look so much worse than they really are.
Ugh, seriously terrifying. So sorry!
Hoping for good news for you! But you're right, I never felt this much emotion and so strongly until having my baby.
Thanks so much! Yes, ALLTHEFEELS ALLTHETIME
Ugh. Seeing our children hurt, injured, or sick is excruciating. I’m so sorry you had to experience a hospital visit. I hope everything turns out OK. Keep us updated.
Oh sweet mama! What a difficult thing to go through! I’m sure he was as relieved to see you as you were to see him!
Thanks Lauren! We got the news that the biopsy came back negative for anything serious! 🙂
Praying for a clean bill of health for your sweet little one! It’s almost harder on the mama when these things happen, so I’m praying for you too lady.
Thank you so much Andi! We were given a “clean” bill of health. It’s a rare, but completely benign skin condition that should not need further treatment!
Oh, I’m so sorry! Praying for good results on this. I feel you, here!!! xo
thanks so much, we got the all clear! rare but completely benign!
So glad I came across your blog. Glad to hear your son is okay. I could only imagine the fear in your heart.
So glad I came across your blog. I can only imagine the fear of the unknown. So glad to hear your son is okay! Xo!
Thank you so much for reading!
This is beautifully written.
Thanks so much Julie!
I remember my little ones ER trip, I stayed strong throughout it by just focusing, but after I got home and handed her to her father I just broke down. It was so hard watching her cry and holding her down while they took blood and poked and prodded. Luckily she was fine, but it was so hard.
So hard! I’m so glad everything was ok for your little girl xo
I totally understand that fury and anguish when your baby is hurt. When one day, my mom took my son for a ride and her phone didn’t have reception and she was stranded. I only had a vague idea where she was, I was driving like a mad woman searching for them. its funny how we turn our worries into anger or aggravation though.
Hope your little one is well now. God bless you and you little family!
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Yes, nerves at an all time high, it’s funny how our bodies and minds react. He is okay, and we’re so relieved. Thanks for reading!
Oh mama! I have a 9 month old too and can only imagine how scary this was! Hope everyone is doing OK now!
Such a beautifully written post! I felt your love & worry & fear through this post! I hope your little is ok!
So beautifully written. Lovely post. I know how a mother’s heart feels being a mom myself. When seeing their children going through something we ourselves haven’t gone through. It really tough, the anguish and worries. Speechless! Hope your little one is okay now. A bear hug for you!
How is it possible to get so upset when they get hurt doing something you’ve told them repeatedly not to do, but yet your heart breaks in a thousand pieces when they cry. ❤
Such perfect timing for me to read this, I have a little one also having a minor procedure next week but I am sick with dread about it. Thanks for writing this mama, it’s exactly how we feel.
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