My one year old woke up at midnight last night.
He was crying for “umma” (Korean for mama), as he always does when he wakes in the middle of the night.
As he lay on my chest, I could feel his tiny breaths on the fold of my arm. Breathing in and out, so rhythmically that it almost put me to sleep. And in that instant of groggy, tired mama moments, feeling so needed by this tiny being, I was overwhelmed with a wave of mom guilt.
Did you love him enough today?
I’ve been in this vicious cycle of working, parenting, blogging, (sort of) housekeeping, (sort of) sleeping. It’s the same chaotic routine on repeat all day, every day. Each day goes by all too quickly before I even know where the time has gone. And I’m so caught up in my never ending to do list that I end up asking myself the same thing every night.
Did you love them enough today?
The bad moments are so easy to remember. I yelled at the Threenager too much today. I pulled out non edible objects out of the baby’s mouth too many times today. I spent more time staring at the computer screen than I did looking into my kids’ faces today. I got tired of hearing the whining and crying today.
But, did you love them enough today?
I don’t know that there will ever be a day that I don’t ask myself that same question. Even on the most perfect days, I’ll always wonder if I gave them my best.
But, I guess that’s just the way of a mama’s heart.
Even when you think you love your littles so much; so much more than you ever fathomed possible, you’ll still wonder in silence.
Did I love you enough today?
Because all you want is to love them more, to give them more, to do everything more than you already do. Because it never seems like enough.
Even on the days when you’re exhausted in every way possible. You always want to give more of yourself to those tiny beings. Your heart(s) walking outside of your body.
In that constant and persistent wonder and need to love them more, is the answer.
Yes, you did love them enough today.